Here I am,
Curling at the edge of my bed again.
Dilating my pupils until those little lights above me get all blurry .
Blurry,that’s what it all is.
Want to cry into my pillow a thousand tears like I always do.
But today as I turned to it,There were no tears,not a drop.
Neither was there a smile.
It was something that kept my eyes open for hours.
Should I call this a phase or a feeling?
How do I convince myself that it is not the numbness that is taking over?
Can you see me slipping away?
Do you feel the way I do?
I see you’re blowing this feeling out as you don’t want to quail deeper into misery.
But what is life honey without a little misery!
I see you’re loving the idea of love while picking your own components out of it.
Baby tell me when did you get so cold that you not just made a list but started choosing from it as and when you want ?
Don’t you see that I’m still emptying myself out to you,playing pretend flashing a smile.
I don’t know what is worse anymore
One sided love or the disproportional one,
Not being with you and crying about it or being with you and seeing you not in the same page as me.
Finally a tear drops from my left eye,into the pillow.
Dark night,trail of tears,rituals fulfilled.
Is it that I’ve called it on myself to make this a ritual,do I deserve better?
You know what ?
I’ll never know.
Cuz my darling I’ll never put myself above you
And the whole word including my conscience would warn me about how much little I love myself
But who’ll convince the heart that it is not just bound to love only you but also me?
Who shall we blame now that it made a wanderer it’s home
–Hina Valida Mathias